I Will Survive

I am not beaten. I am forcing myself to ignore the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, the money worries and the feeling of rejection and general "Why ME?" sentiments that are so casually floating around my mind. Instead I am acting the part of a strong willed power dressing women who is literally drenched in employability, and as a method actor, using this persona when completing job applications and during those painful days when for some reason or another I have to go into the office.

The newest dilemma however is weighing up my options. There are plenty of jobs that I could do that I have seen advertised. But not so many that will help me get pupillage. Will the fact that we are in a RECESSION be borne in mind when the next OLPAS season rolls around? Possibly not. But if I hang on too long looking for the right kind of job, well, I may be homeless, penniless and wondering the streets of London like some poor orphan in Oliver!, except without the dancing and singing and general merriment that the film promised me as a child. Also, I have actually seen a few that fit into both categories i.e. Yes I can do them and Yes they are Pupillage Friendly. However, No I couldn't pay the rent if that is all they pay. Aaaargh.

On another note, I am now an official student member of Middle Temple Inn. That's one successful application at least.

Completely Redundant

I didn't jump ship early enough. On Wednesday I was made redundant. Currently spiralling into the depths of despair while I try and figure out how exactly I am going to keep a roof over my head for the foreseeable future.

Damn. I'm going to have to send Lovely Boy down the coal mines or up a chimney or something.

Jumping Ship

I've been wondering recently whether the company I work for/job I do is really the right place for me to be. In terms of the "how does this job benefit your legal career?" question, while the answer isn't as obvious as it would be working as a paralegal, I've always known what I would need to say (Understanding of both public and private sector, understanding of client groups, commercial acumen blah blah blah...) But the reality is, I don't think that I am actually gaining or learning anything. In a rival company that is better established, this would probably have been a different story, but I'm with a start-up company made up of a team of "experts" who from what I can tell don't understand anything about organisation and management. They are all ideas people who simply haven't bothered to implement any structure into the company, and talk constantly about how successful they are going to be without doing anything to get them there. When I applied for the job I was given the impression that there would be opportunities for career progression and training and that they invested in their staff. Total bull, I've been with them for 9 months now and there is nothing. I've not had any training, and when I mentioned wanting the opportunity to develop, it was shot down. To top it all, I'm not that sure I'm any good at the job anyway, although without any guidance or feedback (despite constant requests for this) I have no way of knowing. This is all made worse by the sheer unprofessionalism of the senior team.

As people, they are lovely, and I'm glad to have met them and very happy to socialise with them, but at work I am sick of the political vying for control, the whispering, the mood swings and worst of all, the fact that the MD "restructures" every few weeks so line managers change, and responsibility for this that and the other switches hands suddenly without warning, merely based on her mood. I think in PR terms this would be known as "flexible working" but in my terms I'd say it was a pile of crap. Up until recently, I've at least managed to avoid the political games, but recently it looks like someone has dragged me in without telling me, and now I have to find out who's playing on my team and who is against me!

So, with this in mind I've been thinking about finding a new job. But I've also got to find somewhere new to live as my flatmates and I will be parting ways soon, so I was planning on sorting that first. But in the past week or so, The Company was told that it had not been successful in a bid for the Daddy of All Contracts, and so now the office is a battleground between the MD and the Shareholders who are in all likelihood planning to pull our funding. Meaning I need to find a job QUICK and jump ship before it sinks.

All this = STRESS!!!! But on a plus side, I have found a job that I would very much like to be doing instead, so I can at least channel all of this worry and desperation into writing the best application for a job the world has ever seen and pray it all works out for the best.

Pre-BVC jitters

I'm starting to get a bit nervous about the whole juggling full time work and part time BVC studies thing. Work has suddenly got wickedly busy over the past few weeks, and I can't see any sign of it slowing down. The funny thing about that is that a few weeks ago I seemed to have absolutely nothing to do and was pretty miserable due to the lack of purpose in my working existence. Now all of a sudden I'm working none stop. Last week I was in the office till 10.30 3 nights in a row, and so I was meant to be taking yesterday off, to have a lovely long bank holiday weekend. However, my work load had other plans, and instead of having an extra day off, I will be spending the whole weekend working on a document that needs to be submitted on Tuesday. Grrr.

I am a workaholic, always have been, but I'm getting very jittery about this situation. My mind is so clear about how hard I intend to work for the BVC, how hard I will need to work to get by in fact, and I'm worried I wont have the time to do it all. I don't think it is the amount of work that is worrying me too much, or even the amount of time it will all take up. I am only able to cope with a task if it requires a feat of epic proportions to get it done. Easy stuff, like packing a bag the night before I go away somewhere rather than 10 minutes before my train leaves, that stuff I can't do. But I've been pretty confident (till now) that I would be able to handle the BVC and my job, no matter how much work I have on. The reason I'm panicking though is that there is something I didn't factor in. Other people.

I am a control freak and a half. I am seriously bossy, and plan for things to go wrong way in advance, so that if they do, there is already a plan B (and C and D) in place. Figuring out my workload, and managing my time next year should in theory come naturally to me. Plus there's the fact that I've been juggling stupid amounts of work with jobs and rehearsals and partying since I was 16, and frankly, when I don't have too much to do, I fall apart a little. BUT there is the small matter of my work colleagues. They are wonderful people, and apparently they're experts in the industry and worth every penny of their inflated salaries. However, they openly acknowledge that forward planning is not their strong suit. Instead, they seem to float along hoping that everything will get done on time, which is code for put in loads and loads of hours of work at the very last moments before a deadline. Half of the time they leave me to manage myself, which works well allowing me to pace myself and ensure everything is ready on time without having to work late, but then they will spring something on me, that is far more important than whatever it is I'm currently working on , that they've been sitting on for a while and due in tomorrow. (Or Tuesday in this case). I don't mind that so much (even though I was sooo looking forwards to a nice relaxing bank holiday) and to be fair, it sounds like life as a Barrister isn't all that different, but I just don't know how I'm going to cope with it when I have studying to do!

Still, it will be something to bore my children with one day when they complain about their pocket money and I tell them to GET A JOB like I had to. Wow, I'm turning into my mother... also, is it healthy to be planning stories to bully my children with at least 10 years in advance of me actually having any?? Fun times!

Lizzie Saves the World

Whatever your opinion on the sorry state that MPs have got themselves into recently, whether you think MPs should be paid more or should be locked up for stealing the taxpayers money to clean moats and change light bulbs, I think it is pretty clear that Parliament, Government and politicians across the board are not very popular people at the moment. On the tube this morning, a thought occurred to me, and I just know there will be plenty of people out there on the blawgosphere that will be able to explain to me that this particular thought is unrealistic and ill-informed and generally a stupid idea, but I've been mulling it over in my head, and out loud in the office it has to be said, and if nothing else, I think it would be an awesome thing to see happen, even if the consequences might be a bit drastic....

As loathe as I am to admit it, I can't help thinking that David Cameron is right, and that without calling a general election asap public confidence in the political classes will never be restored. But its also pretty clear that Gordon Brown would be an absolute idiot to call an election right now. Even if he has any illusions about a return to favour for Labour in the next 12 months, he can't possibly believe he has a chance right now. So, this morning's dilemma was whether it was right that "we the people" are unable to throw our dummies out of the pram, sack the lot of them and try and start again with a fresh election. Surely, IF public opinion was so low that we did not want to be led by this group of people, the fact that we are led by them and can't do anything about it until they say so is totally against the spirit of democracy?

This led me onto my exciting train of thought which Lovely Boy told me to share with the world. So if you object to it, you can verbally abuse him rather than me ok?!........

What if the Queen, fed up with the lot of them and in recognition of the will of her people to not be led by this parliament, were to pop over to Westminster Palace, knock on the door so she isn't breaking any rules, glide into the House of Commons and just pick up the Mace, walk out again and announce a General Election at the earliest opportunity? In public law, our lecturer constantly stressed to us that the Queen does still have Sovereign status, and that basically this was because everybody is far too polite and non-confrontational to take it away from her. But in my mind, I've always chosen to see her role as an insurance policy against corruption and fascism, and Parliament are an insurance policy against absolutism and guardians of democracy because if she did anything untoward, they have the status of elected representatives of the people, and she shouldn't mess with that if she wants to keep her pretty crowns, dresses and face on our money. However, if the situation were so bad that it was clear the public did not want to be led by this parliament, wouldn't that therefore mean it is her right, if not her duty, to dissolve them and call for a fresh election?

Hundreds of arguments for and against, I know, but still, is this even technically possible? I can't help thinking that if it isn't, what system do we have in place that would force an election, if the majority party leader wont call one? I'm not suggesting that the current situation is anywhere near this serious, but I do very much like the idea of Her Majesty, tiny old lady that she is, giving them all a good telling off and sacking them for the good of the country. Monarchy doesn't really suit my personal left wing view of the world, but if you're going to have a Monarch, then you may as well do it properly, and see them flex their political muscles once in a while. Something to tell the Grand kids about at least, and considering her Great Great Grandmother was an Empress, surely she must have a bit of a yearning to do something impressive before she's done?

23 is a difficult number to swallow, unless washed down with a drink.

I've been away from the blog for a while and alcohol has been the cause... While everyone else has been doing battle and waging war against the pupillage portal, I have been making the most of my first Spring in about 11 years without the dread of looming exams, and unable to apply for pupillage until next year, safe in the knowledge that there is nothing else I could be doing but drinking and sitting in the sunshine.

First I was dragged northwards to Blackpool for a chav-tastic weekend away to celebrate my mother's continued commitment to grow old disgracefully. With Osteoporosis to boot, she partied the weekend away with an army of her favourite lesbians, and not one to be out done by an old lady, I was forced to match her drink for drink and dance for dance.

A week later, my own birthday. Age is a sensitive subject for the whole world it would seem, and I am aware that panicking about 23 might seem a bit much to those people that took it in their stride and are instead dealing with much much scarier numbers, however, indulge me. I thought I was prepared, I thought I was ready and had accepted it. In fact, I had been telling people I was 23 since February. But when it happened, it turned out that I was not in fact ready to leave 22 behind, and instead I would rather the whole concept of age, numbers and mathematics no longer existed. I was so upset I kicked a post box, as a symbol of the capitalist regime that has forced the concept of age into my life. It hurt my foot and Lovely Boy carried me home.

I did at least manage to squeeze every last drop of birthday celebratory possibilities into the ensuing week, with binge drinking in both Birmingham and London, 3 birthday cakes on separate days, smoking for the very first time and almost causing a riot on the night bus home. The rioting and the smoking was caused by my (very) vocal realisation that 23 is really old and I will probably die soon. Apparently the 29 year old man I had struck up this topic of conversation with was not entirely impressed by my existential dilemma.

After this level of liver damage, I probably should have stopped, but I continued along the theme and went drinking with my line manager. The biggest mistake to date, I finally admitted defeat the next day when I couldn't get the tube for fear of vomiting on somebodies nicely polished work shoes. I have since refrained from excessive alcohol consumption, and am aiming to do so for quite some time.

I haven't completely abandoned the legal aspirations in favour of drink. I still managed to make it to the Student Open Day at Matrix chambers, which was very useful, informative and changed my mind a lot about what a career at the bar should look like. I really liked their non-specialised approach, and the corporate feel of the place fitted well with everything drummed into me at the office about brand and identity. One of the most useful parts of the day surrounded what they were looking for in pupillage applications, but given that the OLPAS deadline has now gone, I will save that post for another day when it wont cause distress to those that have already pressed submit and are now checking their progress for updates every ten minutes. I should say though that I took notes fully intending to post them asap but got waylaid by work/Lovely boy/beautiful weather and completely forgot that the deadline was so soon. I'm really sorry :( But I hope everybody is faring well and holding their nerve.

The one thing about the day at Matrix that really sent a message home to me though? The fact that I knew one of the Barristers who were tasked with "mingling"(is that how you spell that word?) from the pub. Oh dear...

Fancy a Quickie?

I've been away for a while. It's not my fault, I had a birthday and much drinking ensued. I then had a bit of a 1/4 life crisis at the realisation that I am gaining age (and weight) and have been on a bit of an exercise drive (walking). Lovely Boy is home for good, and well, his loveliness is highly distracting! I am ashamed to admit that I have allowed a boy to distract me from my own self-indulgent blogging...

However, by quickly tapping down this love note to you all, I promise to blog again before tomorrow morning (so once I've left the office, arrived home and instructed Lovely Boy to prepare a meal for me).

I didn't completely desert, I've been reading everybody else's posts during my lunch break almost every day! So, quickie time over, I'll be back for a long and passionate embrace in a few hours.